I have a problem with my husband Butch. He has always been a little colorful in his religious notions, but it seems he and his internet friends have gotten a little carried away with this whole thing about the second coming and the end of the world. They have all become convinced the world is coming to an end, the dead will come to life as zombies, and all the nuclear plants will melt down, causing a ten-thousand year nuclear winter ruled by Satan's demons. I am not sure how theologically sound that is even if you take Revelations at all seriously.
He has locked himself into his bomb shelter with 100 years, supply of water, freeze-dried meals and all the great literature of Western civilization, which is to say, every back issue of Penthouse Magazine and the complete works of Tim LaHaye.
Madame Toujours, I can't get Butch to come out. He's convinced that the world has ended, the nuclear winter has begun, and I am one of the hideous, mutated survivors intent on eating his skin.
Now all his pals have piled into a Winnebago and headed for Washington DC to protest the war on Christmas.
I know Butch will just kick himself when he realizes he is missing the fun. Isn't there some way to coax him out of hiding?
Chere Mme. Survivor,
Do not be in such the big hurry to be extracting M. Butch from his retreat. He is safe. He has the food, the water, the entertainment. He is not having access to the loose women who are not in the tasteless magazines. The big difficulty will be for you to be keeping him out of your hairs for the little while. Tell M. Butch that the radiation, it is terrible. Suggest that you would like to eat his skin.
This is being the very good time for you to be redecorating the house. Dispose of the unattractive La-Z-Boy chair with the stains from the nacho cheese sauce. Get rid of the pool table in the living-room and the brightly-colored neon beer signs in the windows. Repaint. Put up the new drapes for the windows. Open for yourself the satisfying home business.
Possibly you can be using this time for the reeducation of M. Butch. Arrange to have piped into the bomb shelter the educational tapes and lectures. Perhaps while he is the captive audience, so to speak, you can be retraining him for the lucrative career that will be making him the very good provider when he is being finally released.
Bon Chance Mme. Survivor. Very many women, they would willing to kill for the chance to keep M. Le Husband safe and out of the way for the little while.